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Convicted Troll Sentenced To Read YouTube Comments

INTERNET—Bernard “Bert” Jenkins, a former class valedictorian turned troll, was sentenced yesterday to 9 to 12 weeks of reading nothing but YouTube comments for the purposeful baiting of unsuspecting Internet users into dumb arguments. Common Pleas Court Judge James Macon imposed the sentence after a lengthy proceeding at which Internet users, irritated for years over Jenkins’ troll antics, pleaded the judge to “put this asshole away for the good of the Internet.”

Judge Macon decreed that the Internet “would be a better place” without Jenkins, username AintNoFaggots, and that the only real way to make him understand what he’s done is to make him closely examine the culture he’s helped create and perpetuate. “When I consider everything this dick has done,” Macon said, “I find it difficult to come up with a sentence other than this one.”

Attorney Khalid El-Tariq, representing Jenkins, pleaded with the Judge to back off such a harsh sentence, reading excerpts from comments on a Tori Amos video about abortion.

“Your Honor, this video is nothing but 15-year-old girls with zero life experience speaking in shameful grammar and godawful sentence structuring. Listen to this: ‘did it died babyies, they r animel they don know what we talk. abortions r racist’. What in the blue hell does that even mean?? This person is 100% serious and goes on for another 24 comments about the same thing. My client is sentenced to read… this? For 9 weeks? Your Honor… please.”

Judge Macon was steadfast, pointing to Jenkins’ Internet record (he had been banned from four different message boards/usergroups in the past two years) and the fact that his manner of communicating online is no better than someone 8-years-old.

Jenkins is expected to begin serving his sentence immediately, starting on 475 pages of comments on a video of President Obama playing basketball.


Filed under lol satire comedy humor funny internet youtube troll

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Local Man Makes Video Game Walkthroughs Even Though He Sucks At Video Games

INTERNET—YouTube user Syseus recently uploaded a 117-part video walkthrough of the Super Nintendo game The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past even though he completely sucks at the game. Viewers now have the option of watching someone make the same mistakes over and over again and die several dozen times over the course of 4 and a half hours worth of video. Some Guy Daily News is still researching who on Earth would want to sit through all this footage.

“This isn’t a walkthrough, this is a stumblethrough,” noted YouTube commenter Budblow. Another commenter AJP2001 lamented, “I actually started shouting at the screen, START AT THE BOTTOM RIGHT!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!! Then I wondered what the hell I was doing watching this in the first place.”

A couple more optimistic viewers did try and find some positivity in this incredibly pointless waste of resources. “It’s kinda suspenseful in a way,” said user ApeWall. “Oh no, the torch is going to go out… he’s going to run out of time… no wait he’s going to make it… but wait he’s out of magic! And that’s just in the first ten minutes.”

Syseus could not be contacted for comment on his motivation for clogging the Internet with more useless junk, as he was busy uploading a 207-part video walkthrough of the first half of Bioshock.


Filed under lol satire comedy humor funny gaming youtube video games

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Every Single Positive Comment On YouTube About Zwan Said To Be Written By Billy Corgan Himself

INTERNET—In a not-that-surprising development, musician and megalomaniac Billy Corgan was revealed to have been behind every single YouTube account that left every positive comment about Corgan’s old side project, Zwan. Giving away Corgan was his utter inability to self-edit, as every comment plods on and on, just like his albums.

Corgan, asked to explain himself, referenced noted rock historian Billy Corgan for an objective take on the band. In other words, he referenced himself and spoke in the third person, claiming it was everyone else’s fault for not properly appreciating his “genius.” “Zwan was the best idea I’ve had since I decided to make my voice sound like a dentist drill my entire career.”

Filed under lol satire comedy humor funny billy corgan smashing pumpkins zwan youtube music

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Experts Crediting Rise In Cyber-Bullying To Every Teenage Girl’s Inability To Perceive Their Own Lack Of Talent At Everything

INTERNET—According to a Scientific American study, petty bullying over the Internet is reaching record levels of late, due to the overwhelming amount of teenage females who unapologetically flaunt their non-talents on websites such as YouTube and Tumblr.

Taking one random test subject as an example out of several million — Aimee Bottenfield (username: xXxWyLdGrRrLxXx69) receives over 1,000 hits on her YouTube account every single day, 98% by trolls desperate to unclutter the Internet from obliviously self-important hags.

The content of a typical Bottenfield video contains singing that any sensible person would be embarrassed of, cringe-inducing dancing self-described as “sexy,” as well as needlessly apologizing to no one in particular for “not making any videos lately because I’ve been so busy.” This serves as a siren song for Internet trolls the world over, as they’ve proven to be the audience for such videos, unbeknownst to YouTube uploaders such as Bottenfield.

“There’s this massive, massive group of people out there,” says Internet sociologist Herman Mays, “that composes mostly of American teenage males, where their entire livelihood is predicated upon destroying the lives of others. I mean, that’s literally why they exist on this Earth. There’s no other purpose for them, whether it be now or later.”

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