THE SHIRE—Clocking in at 2 hours and 50 minutes, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is going to challenge some casual fans’ attention spans. Director Peter Jackson’s decision to split a long, boring story into three longer, boring movies is going to test even the fanboyest Hobbit fanboys’ patience. So if you are a casual viewer of the LOTR series, please be prepared to hear these wimpy excuses:
▪ “It’s the first part of a trilogy!”
▪ “The first of the Star Wars prequels started out poorly too, but look how that turned out! Oh wait…”
▪ “The twenty minute scene where Gandalf reads from the phone book was fantastic!”
▪ “Then the 25 minute scene after that where they all go to a rave and dance was an excellent tribute to Matrix: Revolutions!”
▪ “How could you not enjoy the How It’s Made narrator making a special cameo as he talked about all the different beards and mustaches?”
▪ “Casual fans might mistake Thorin Oakenshield for Paul Oakenfold. Remember Paul Oakenfold?”
▪ “If you don’t love the touching scene where Gandalf and Bilbo gun down orcs with AK-47s in a door-less Toyota Prius, then I don’t know what to tell you.”
▪ “I’ll admit the constant Hulk Hogan cameos are a bit much, but it follows the book perfectly.”
▪ If you ask me, going from Enya to Steve Perry is a huge upgrade.
NEW YORK—Ex-Nirvana members Dave Grohl, Krist Novoselic and Pat Smear went through all the trouble of digging up Kurt Cobain’s corpse and making it sing, only to not play a single Nirvana song at last night’s 12-12-12 Hurricane Sandy benefit concert in New York City. Zombie Cobain, who looked suspiciously like a melting Paul McCartney, did his job as adequately as expected given the circumstances of him being an undead zombie. Still, Nirvana fans were disappointed.
Grohl had the brilliant idea of writing a new song with Paul McCartney of all people and Novos… Novosi… Nevase… whatever his name is. Some Guy Daily News is still researching why anyone would give a flying fuck about a new song when all anyone would want to hear are old Nirvana songs. Asked to comment, Grohl had this to say: “Fuck everyone.”
Cobain was not the only zombie performing that night — The Who’s Roger Daltry brought his 1970s perm back to life for the show, and Jon Bon Jovi dug up his old hairpiece he used from the 1994 video for “Bed of Roses.”
Meanwhile, Billy Corgan was spotted at the concert attempting to get onstage, pouting like a 5-year-old. “I am a rock legend!” he whined in his trademark annoying sneer. “I am an important man! I drive a Dodge Stratus!”
WOODBURY, MN—Ubisoft announced earlier this week that the Assassin’s Creed series will continue in 2013, set to take place in a random Wal-Mart in the suburban Twin Cities area the day after Thanksgiving. The game will again star Desmond Miles as he lives through the memories of his ancestor Janice Haagendorf of Eden Prairie, Minnesota. The story this time will be geared around getting “great deals at the expense of human lives.”
“We wanted to update the story a little since we were running out of ideas for important historical timeframes,” said developer James Hutt. According to Ubisoft, other ideas kicked around were the Depression Era 1930s, the 1968 Woodstock festival (“Who wouldn’t want to slice apart some hippies?” asked Hutt), and a 1990 Duran Duran concert in Denver, Colorado.
Some familiar themes are getting some alterations, like the “Bleeding Effect,” which in past games allowed Desmond to learn certain killing techniques. This time around, the “Bleeding Effect” will serve as a time limit to complete missions, as Hutt explains: “It functions as more of a Fat Effect. You’ll be walking around Wal-Mart but as you absorb more memories, you’re also absorbing all the Cheetos and Dr. Pepper Janice has consumed throughout her entire life.”
“So you get fatter and fatter, you lose mobility, and eventually a Wal-Mart employee has to fetch one of those really slow motorized carts. Again, I want to stress that we’re trying to modernize the series so everyday people can better relate.”
Weapons will include a shopping cart and various projectiles like Twizzlers and newborn babies. There will be less emphasis on stealth and more emphasis on product placement. “This is a great opportunity for us to make a shitload of money by essentially doing nothing,” Hutt continues. “It’s great for both gamers and for us at Ubisoft.”
MINNEAPOLIS—Walter Rushton, 74, dropped a pen behind his desk early this morning, where it proceeded to roll “all the way to the goddamn wall” furthest from his reach. Rushton then unleashed a 4-minute rant to no one in particular about how impossible it is that the pen could’ve rolled that far.
“How in the blue hell could it have done that?” he asked incredulously. “I just don’t have time for this bullshit. It’s the one goddamned pen I have that works and it has to roll all the way to the goddamn wall. Why’s it gotta do that??”
Rushton chose to ignore the fact that his home of 45 years had settled in a manner which slanted ever so slightly to the southeast, meaning anything with a rounded edge that falls to his hardwood floor will roll in that direction. “Son of a bitch,” he continued.
Rushton also chose to delay his attempt at retrieving the pen so he could continue his truly pointless and futile argument with the universe. “You just don’t roll over there. What gravitational force is pulling it in that direction? What a bunch of horseshit. Fucking physics.”
Finally, Rushton got down on all fours (shouting at his “goddamned knees” the entire time), crawled under his desk and successfully retrieved the pen. “Try and get away from me again, will ya? Fucking pen,” he concluded.
MINNEAPOLIS—As Mother Nature took a steaming diarrhea dump in the form of snow all over Minnesota this weekend, Clyde T. Dog was faced with a choice: take a shorter than usual walk on a limited route, or put on a ridiculous looking coat and take a long walk through a foot of snow at the park. Clyde bit the bullet, swallowed his pride and agreed to risk being made fun of by other dogs by wearing his blue hooded winter jacket.
Clyde, who romps around in undisturbed snow like Tony Montana romps through cocaine in Scarface, said he had no regrets. “I look like an idiot and it’s totally emasculating, but whatever. The only thing I’m annoyed with is how [the coat] limits my mobility. I have short legs so I can’t jump as high or run as fast as I’d like with this stupid thing on.” Our interview with Clyde was abruptly cut short when he dove under a shrub covered in about 15 pounds of snow, which subsequently dumped all over him.
Owner Alexander Scott admitted to feelings of guilt. “He looks stupid. I know that. He knows that. But it was a gift from my mom, and I have to take pictures of him in it. Hopefully he understands. Sorry, dog.”
Some Guy Daily News will continue to update this site with dumb, go-nowhere stories about his dog in lieu of actual content. Stay tuned.
HOLLYWOOD—Most people do not know the name “Angus T. Jones,” but they do know “the kid from the show Two and a Half Men” whom Jones has played for nearly 10 years. Jones is looking to change that perception by referring to his own show as “filth” according to his haughty Christian standards.
Jones evidently does not want to be associated with a highly rated television show and would rather be known as a Jesus freak. Social scientist Herman Mays breaks it down:
“When Joe Shmoe is making smalltalk at work about an actor, they’re going to start their anecdote associating him/her with their first recognizable role. For example, ‘Hey do you know Angus T. Jones, you know, the kid from Two and a Half Men?’”
“Now [Jones] has graduated from that to, ‘Hey do you know Angus T. Jones, the kid from Two and a Half Men? You know, the Jesus freak who hates his own show?’”
Mays compared Jones’ career arc to Kirk Cameron. “[Cameron] went from, ‘Hey you know Mike Seaver from Growing Pains?’ to ‘Hey you know Mike Seaver from Growing Pains, the religious nutcase who thinks bananas are proof that God exists?’”
YOUR WORKPLACE—Lilith Manske of Evelyn, Minnesota is said to be “simply delighted” by all the endless amount of videos related to the obnoxious song “Call Me Maybe,” sung by someone named Carly Rae Jepsen. Manske has spent the week obliviously torturing her family and co-workers by sending email after email containing YouTube links to anything remotely related to “the song of the summer,” as Manske phrases it.
“What a catchy tune!” she annoyingly chirped. “Oh and look, there’s the University of Oregon’s lacrosse team dancing to it! And look! Here’s three wacky shirtless college kids singing it! Only the song they’re singing is Skype Me Maybe! That’s genius.”
Some Guy Daily News has yet to reveal why 99.5% of these videos are referred to as “parodies” when nothing about them mocks or trivializes the original content. “They’re more like ‘play-alongs’,” said social scientist Herman Mays. “People just want to play along. Like, ‘Hey I’m white and I dance all awkward too, I think I’ll make a video of myself dancing like a buffoon to this song just like everyone else!’ It’s not going to cross anyone’s mind that it’s been done thousands and thousands and thousands of times.”
“Ohhhh it just never gets old!” continued Manske. “I think I’ll forward this one to the entire IT department, since this one is Tweet Me Maybe. I think those IT boys use the Twitter machine, right?”
SEATTLE—Tuesday, November 13th marked the release of King Animal, the first Soundgarden album in 16 years, and saw a successful return to form in particular for vocalist Chris Cornell much to the relief of fans. Cornell’s previous effort, 2009’s R&B tinged Scream featuring Timbaland, had been referred to as painfully embarrassing, ambitiously bad, and an unholy abomination, justifiably so. The combination of Cornell and Timbaland proved to be as awkward and uncomfortable as seeing your mom on Brazzers.com.
“People were very worried about the next Soundgarden album,” concludes social scientist Herman Mays. “People were tossing around possibilities like special appearances from Master P, Ke$ha or Garth Brooks. And rightfully so, that bullshit with Timbaland was worse than having your ears fucked to death by two fat guys.”
“I lasted about 25 seconds,” recalls Soundgarden guitarist Kim Thayil, speaking of how long he listened to “Part of Me,” the single off of Scream, before recoiling in horror. “I have a pretty high tolerance for crap, but Jesus Christ, that was a neapolitan mix of bullshit, horseshit and dogshit. With a shit cherry on top.”
“I figured, welp, this is gonna make Soundgarden look bad by association. So we went out to repair the damage with [King Animal]. And that’s cool, because where the hell have I been the past 16 years? Has anyone even heard me talk or know what I sound like?”
To the band’s credit, King Animal does indeed put a balm on the infected, maggot-ridden wound of Scream – it’s an outstanding effort from beginning to end – but scars do not heal overnight.
“One time,” begins longtime Soundgarden fan Paul Donnelly, “I had some friends over, we were bored and killing time, I saw there was a new [Cornell song] out so we checked out the video on YouTube. And he’s at some… club?… dancing? What?? You’re white and you’re in your late 40s, dude. Then he starts singing… [Donnelly attempts to recreate Cornell’s humiliating ‘soulful’ timbre] Little giiiirrrrl… Oh God, I can’t even…”
Donnelly was unable to share any more details on his experience due to a legal dispute with Cornell over paying for damage to Donnelly’s computer speakers.
“So yeah, uh, sorry everyone,” Thayil continuesl. “I had nothing to do with the recording of that album, but I feel like I should apologize anyway. Sorry. Sorry again. I’m so sorry.”
PHILADELPHIA—ESPN color commentator Jon Gruden enthusiastically pointed out last night during Monday Night Football that Philadelphia Eagles head coach Andy Reid is now a 2013 Buick Verano. The game between the Eagles and the Carolina Panthers proved to be so poorly coached that Gruden showed no remorse implying a human being is in fact a car.
“This guy,” Gruden shouted, “is a Buick. I want you to watch this right here, watch this, watch what I’m going to do, watch this waaaaaaaaaaaaaatch this BAM! That right there! That man is a Buick! That man is an automobile with an internal combustion engine! He consumes gasoline to propel himself forward!”
No word yet on whether Gruden was implying Reid was as smart as a 2013 Buick Verano or if Reid is as big as one. Both comparisons are entirely plausible, considering Reid’s track record of questionable decisions during games as well as his immense girth.
Gruden even used his telestrator to draw a bushy mustache onto the car to further his point. “Hello, I’m Andy Reid!” he mocked. “I’m a car! Vrroooooooom! What’s that? I should call time out? Should I challenge this play? [Gruden makes the sound of screeching brakes]“
“It’s possible, I guess,” commented injured Eagles running back LeSean McCoy. “When I’m out there playing, I’m by far our best player, but I get like 12 carries a game. So yeah, a Buick might as well be calling the plays. Or, you know, the car from Knight Rider. That’d be pretty cool actually.”
Some Guy Daily News is still researching whether or not Reid is related to the guy from those Micro Machines commercials 20 years ago whose face could turn into a car.
LOS ALTOS, CA—Disappointed at the lack of Hispanic votes for Mitt Romney this past election, Republicans are gathering strength hoping to build momentum toward 2016 by egregiously donning sombreros and matador costumes, Some Guy Daily News has learned. Old white men have reportedly been shuffling into Taco John’s restaurants across the country shouting things like, “Yo soy el fiesta, hombre!” and “Los Republicanos y Mexicanos es amigos!”
“They seem to have obtained their knowledge of Mexican culture from watching that Luis dude on Sesame Street and from Speedy Gonzales cartoons,” said social scientist Herman Mays. “With just a dash of Dora the Explorer.“
MSNBC pundits speculate that Republicans are using such broad caricatures of Mexicans because they’re immune to being offended. “[Former VP candidate] Paul Ryan, who is very very white, just opened up a dingy, shitty diner in San Pablo and named it ‘Juan’s Broken Taco,’” explained professional talking head Jan Mercer.
“The place is booming. Booming with Mexicans. They love it. Ryan even hired a mariachi band to play ‘La Cucaracha’ all day every day, and it doesn’t seem to bother anyone.”
Ryan has also been spotted eating an unhealthy amount of Mexican food, especially tamales. “He ate the corn husk at first,” Mercer admitted, something 36% of white people do when eating a tamale for the first time. “But he swears it was delicious.”
In addition, Republicans are taking a page out of New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg’s playbook — prominent conservatives like Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly are reading parts of their television spiel in broken Spanish. O’Reilly in particular makes sure to adopt an expression as if he’s speaking to a child before unleashing insightful tidbits like, “Me gusta Mexicans! Gracias! De donde es el bano!”
“El O’Reilly Factoro has been a popular segment among Spanish viewers!” producer Dan Stephens beamed. “But really, all credit should go to the BabelFish free online translator.”
INTERNET—Some Guy, editor-in-chief of Some Guy Daily News, has considered writing marginally amusing fake news articles again, according to reports which cite the lack of opponents to play Monopoly against on Pogo.com. New articles will start shortly after this posting. No one is expected to care.
“I’d like to say something about how excited I am to be filling the Internet vacuum with more useless blather that perhaps 0.0004% of humanity may find humorous, but that’s a blatant lie,” Some Guy said yesterday. “I’m not excited at all.”
“In fact, Twinkies are apparently going away. How can anybody be excited at a time like this? 90% of people find Some Guy Daily News by one of two Google searches: big tits and fat guys. Twinkies are directly responsible for both of those.” SGDN is still researching how Some Guy came to the conclusion that Twinkies somehow lead to big tits.
Other factors contributing to Some Guy’s return include his employer blocking SNESBox.com, as well as a dearth of quality flash games. “I swear to God I’ve played like 7,500 games of Gorillaz Tiles,” Some Guy admitted. “Crank out some new flash games, universe.”
Future content is expected to include fake stories about Super Nintendo, dogs, whisky and Internet stuff. “My entire life,” added Some Guy.
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Danny Glover offered some poignant insight about this startling development.
ANYWHERE—A group of obnoxious hipsters near you, which could be anywhere in the country at any given time, are unsure as to what the proper way is for them to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. The current consensus is to hedge their bets by getting together for a typical Thanksgiving meal but not being at all happy about it.
“We might watch some football, you know, ironically,” said insufferable hipster Brian “Bert” Aultman. “And cheer for the Dallas Yankees to… you know, um… score a home run from the 3-point line.”
The hipsters, all dressed like someone sneezed chewed-up milk-trodden Fruity Pebbles onto your glasses, are all planning to eat Oscar Meyer brand deli turkey instead of cooking a regular turkey as per Thanksgiving custom. “It’s just a more American celebration to do it this way, ultimately,” said Aultman while frowning into his $600 iPad 2. “You know, because it’s like… it’s an American holiday, and there’s nothing more Americanized than Oscar Meyer lunchmeat, so it’s like… oh nevermind, if I have to explain it you’ll never get it.”
“We can’t really afford a real turkey anyway since we’re all broke,” he continued while adjusting his $180 designer glasses, brushing off his $210 designer skinny jeans and tucking away the loan payments he just got in the mail that he owes for his $120,000 art school degree.
In a related story, Some Guy Daily News would like to extend a personal thank you to hipsters everywhere for providing an endless amount of material.
I have watched this video at least 200 times. No exaggeration. I get that much joy out of a 27 second clip of a laughably bad local metal band. But the lack of quality or skill in their music isn’t the only reason why this is the funniest, most entertaining video in the history of YouTube. Allow me to offer some insight.
1) I love (LOVE) that the title of this is just “Si6ks.” It’s not “Crappy metal band can’t get their shit together.” It’s not “Drunk guitarist tries to fly off stage thanks to helpful drummer.” It’s not “Drummer makes sure audience gets their money’s worth.” It’s not even “Metal band fail.” It’s just…. the band’s name. This is the band. This is what they are. This 27 second clip has thousands times more views than anything else this band will ever do in their lives. THIS IS WHAT THEY ARE.
2) The fact that “Si6ks” is by far the lamest band name anybody’s ever come up with. It sounds like a made up band name you’d hear on My So-Called Life, or Clarissa Explains It All for that matter.
3) Someone’s mom was probably like, “I’m so happy you’re tapping into your creativity! Why don’t I make your band a banner? Joan showed me how to make one at the Arts and Crafts Fair over in Circle Pines!”
4) The big fat bass player (on the left, further in the back) just outright quitting in complete frustration 1 second into the video.
5) The decidedly non-intense way the drummer is playing, like he couldn’t give a shit.
si6ks) That guitarist had to have paid like $700 for some Dimebag replica Washburn thing. For THIS.
7) The lights still galliantly try and keep up with the song. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this. Everyone else has given up but NOT THE LIGHTS GUY
8) Just listen to this crap.
9) Seriously just LISTEN to this crap. It goes without saying that the guitar is way off and godawful, but even if he were playing his part in time with everyone else, it’s a bunch of garbage. It’s great!!
10) The drummer flings his drumstick at the incompetent guitarist at 0:07 with surprising accuracy, appearing to hit the neck and headstock of the guitar. That’s harder than it looks, especially spur of the moment like that.
11) 0:08 The shove.
12) 0:09 WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
13) 0:10 CRASH
14) Drunk Guitarist completely falling out of the shot. This is so incredibly awesome and the greatest thing ever and the number one and the best and my favorite in the world of the universe forever.
15) The incredibly satisfying “vmmmmmm KGSHSHKKTT” sound that happens when he crashes.
16) 0:11 The singer’s “Awww, man…” reaction like he just saw how long the line was at Chipotle.
17) 0:12 Lights Guy finally calls it quits. A valiant effort nonetheless.
18) 0:13 Big Fat Bassist casually tosses in a “YEAH FUCK YOU” as he shuffles by. If you asked Drunk Guitarist about this today, I bet he’d say that hurt more than the crash.
19) Drunk Guitarist’s completely, utterly dumb-founded expression. This is almost as great as the shove itself. “Wha… What did I doooooooooo… we were sounding greaaaaaaaaaaat… I don’t geeeeeeet iiiiiiit…. whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….”
20) Drunk Guitarist not only has one non-threatening armband tattoo (0:16)…. but TWO! (0:23) METALLLLLL!!~!!!!~@#@9UFI9JWEFK
21) The singer’s cheerful demeanor. “Have a good night guys!” Thank you, Si6ks!
If you stumble across this post somehow, I hope you enjoy this video as much as I do. As a commenter states, “I am going to rip the audio from this and listen to it in an infinite loop for a day.” That is a splendid idea and I’m going to do that right now.
I’ll get back to writing fake news one of these days. Maybe this fall. In the meantime I’m trying to write a book. Yes, a freaking book. A book about how “anxiety” is capable of governing every aspect of every day life. “Anxiety” is in quotes because I think it’s a terrible name — a better name would be something like hyper-awareness feedback. That’s a big reason why I’m writing this “book.” I might be going a bit “overboard” on these “quotes” but “whatever.”
There’s no timetable on that, it’s just sort of happening. In the meantime, I’m plowing through Super Nintendo games that people stopped playing over 15 years ago and writing things about them.
* * *
Lufia and the Fortress of Doom might be the most hit-or-miss game on the SNES. If you want to look at it negatively, Lufia has no original ideas (other than the story although that too has some borrowed elements) and is basically a fetch-quest for items and/or people. On the other hand, Lufia has great battle mechanics, a fantastic story with a legitmately great twist featuring as good a “big reveal” as you’ll ever see on this system, and is one of the most satisfying games to complete. Kind of a sad ending but it works.
I’d argue Lufia’s overall story-arc is right up there with FFVI and Chrono Trigger, so it’s in fantastic company in that regard. The dialog is surprisingly good, like something out of a 90s anime TV series. Lots of bickering and humor but even the serious stuff gets across well. But the manner in which this story is told (in terms of actions, events and quests) can be very, very annoying. Just ask anyone that’s played through this game what they think about “fixing the bridge” and just watch them boil with rage.
Basically, you end up being a gopher for this guy that has to repair a bridge for you to progress in the game. “Go to this far away town and get this guy for me. After you do that, go look at the bridge. After you do that, go way out of your way to stand on this cliff for some reason. After you do that…” The whole thing is so clumsy and so unnecessary that I was starting to think, “Okay, they’re actually evil and they’re stalling me on purpose, right? They don’t actually want me to cross?” No. No, that would’ve actually been kind of nice.
The music also, while very good at times, is lacking variety to put it lightly. As with most RPGs the battle theme definitely gets old after a while, but the cave and dungeon themes in Lufia are the exact same throughout the entire game. The artwork and graphics are also not exactly the greatest for the time. Some enemies look really cool while others… I can’t even make out what they’re supposed to be.
All that said, there’s tons upon tons of different enemies that require different strategies and the game is balanced enough that you hardly have to level-grind at all. The battles are very well done and the boss fights are fun. While it’s not without it’s flaws, Lufia is a top 30 SNES game and, if you can tolerate the occasional frustration, a worthwhile play.