I’m one of those really irritating retro-nerds that think despite advancing technology, the Super Nintendo is the peak of gaming. I love anything and everything related to the SNES, so I’m trying to play through as many games as I possibly can. This leads to things like spending 30 hours on Final Fantasy VI (or Final Fantasy III as it was released in the US) and trying to understand why I don’t really like the game despite putting a ridiculous amount of time into it. So I wrote a review. A REALLY LONG review. You know, since this game is REALLY LONG.
…
Look up the opera scene in Final Fantasy VI on YouTube and you’ll find comments like, “One of the most touching moments in video game history,” “Such an iconic scene,” “I had tears in my eyes,” etcetera etcetera. I have one question for those people: Why?
Here’s exactly how this scene comes about — our heroes need to find a way to get to the Evil Empire. They decide to seek out this rich dude who owns the only airship in the world. They find him at this operahouse wooing some broad named Maria, who’s playing the lead that night’s show, and plans to kidnap her so they can elope (or something). Some villain conspires to mess things up for some unexplained reason. To protect her, you switch Maria out for Celes, a sorceress in your party to happens to look almost exactly like her. Celes agrees to perform opera accordingly and does so.
It’s strange because the opera seems like it should be this big sweeping emotional moment (the music is undeniably fantastic), but it’s not at all. The words behind what she’s singing have no meaning. She’s merely filling a role. She’s not singing about anyone but the character in the opera. There’s not even any read-between-the-lines meaning anywhere. In fact the entire scene isn’t significant in the slightest to the main storyline.
Now, I will give credit where credit is due: this game shows the right way to do quick-time events, particularly here. You fight your way to the villain up in the rafters while the show continues below. While Celes is singing the opera, you have to make sure you select the right lines or you’ll get booted out. Also it has to be mentioned again that the music here is in-fucking-credible. So at least there’s that.
But otherwise, this scene is the perfect demonstration of how impressive this game can be to the point of self-indulgence. The scene is amazing on the surface but it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just there because some developer thought, “Wouldn’t it be CRAZY if we had an opera scene? That’s unheard of!” It’s there for the sake of being there.
And that basically explains the point of the entire game. The story is gigantic – the depth in the narrative makes Chrono Trigger seem like an episode of DuckTales – and would definitely benefit from some editing, a more concise direction and something resembling a main character (Terra and Locke come the closest, but Terra isn’t even playable for a big chunk of the game and Locke sucks in battles unless you level-grind like crazy), but I get the feeling the developers did not give a damn. It’s huge for the sake of being huge. There are many, many playable characters for the sake of having many, many playable characters. And so on.
Another inherent problem with having such a massive story is the minimal amount of effect that you as a player have. The way the game lets the narrative unfold essentially deems the player as nothing more than a gopher. All you’re doing is running your party from one long story sequence to the next (with a few battles in between of course). The game basically encourages you to do this too, by switching up your party as often as possible so you can see every scene. Sometimes it was pretty tiring and frustrating as you’re sitting there reading forever and waiting to actually do something. There’s too much out of the player’s control.
Don’t get me wrong, a huge part of what makes Final Fantasy VI unique is the narrative - there aren’t many other games on the SNES that had me playing for hours just to see what happened next. It has one of the all-time great video game villains in Kefka. There are just as many laugh out loud moments (when you meet Gau, random Kefka stuff) as sappy moments (could they lay it on any thicker with Cyan’s backstory?), and some of it works and some of it doesn’t, but it has a very satisfying ending.
The battle system is incredibly detailed featuring all sorts of cool stuff like customizable magic, formations, relics, special abilities (one character has you input sequence of Street-Fighter style commands to execute attacks, another has a weird set of tools to choose from, another steals things, etc), not to mention tons of items and equipment. It’s extremely well done, holds up over time really well and is by far the most enjoyable part of the game. On the surface, it’s the best battle system for any RPG on the SNES.
My only criticism of the battle system is that it isn’t very balanced. The game really encourages you employ all sorts of tactical maneuvering with formations and equipment and whatever, but guys like Sabin and Cyan are so powerful you can wipe out any enemy with the same attacks over and over regardless of what else you do. Compare this to Chrono Trigger or the Lufia series where the enemies match your increasing experience and abilities stride for stride, and the battles remain difficult without becoming frustrating. As fun as the battle system is for FF6, I never once felt I was in danger of even coming close to dying. All of the strategy seems like it’s for naught.
Ultimately I’ll remember Final Fantasy VI for its wealth of creativity in battles, the incredible soundtrack (second to only Super Castlevania IV on the SNES) and its huge story, but I’ll also remember it all feeling kind of hollow. It’s merely an exhibition in game design, albeit an impressive one.
mother and father had sex
hogwarts porn
momgay
троллы лица (I can only guess this means “your mother’s porn” or something)
gwyneth paltrow fart
nancy grace ugly
gothic jesus
destroyed pussy
assfuckers
tori amos troll
Anyway, I had no idea people still gave a crap about movies to that extent.
INTERNET—Some Guy, Editor-in-Chief of fake news blog Some Guy Daily News, is “burnt the fuck out” according to sources, and is taking an indefinite leave of absence.
“To all [three] of my readers,” Some Guy was quoted as saying, “Thanks for sticking around. Thanks for humoring me for reading. I’ve done this every weekday (save a couple holidays) for an entire year now, writing 256 marginally humorous posts of random crap. That is waayyyy too much writing about nothing to no one in particular. I’m finished for now.”
“I understand if you want to get on with the grieving process by re-enacting the Michael Bolton video for ‘How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?’ so as a favor I just went ahead and embedded the video below. Good luck.”
Some Guy proceeded to mount his $21,500 custom-made jetski in his leather wetsuit he borrowed from Trent Reznor and made for the Cayman Islands.
DALLAS—Despite fighting a lawsuit that would make patrons sign a waiver before eating meat at their restaurants, Denny’s welcomed local big fat guy Bill Blubbard yesterday night for a T-bone steak dinner for the low price of just $6.99. Denny’s fry-cooks on staff that night were puzzled being that not a single person had ordered steak in the past three months, but filled his order regardless.
“Can you believe I can get steak for just $6.99? That’s unbelievable!” When informed the low price may be because of both the low-grade meat and the manner of preparation, Blubbard replied between chews, “Bull honkey! Tastes just fine to me!” Blubbard took more than two hours to finish his steak, ordered rare, since it was “so chewy.” “Really lets you grind out every bit of taste, doesn’t it? Mmm, mm! That’s good eatin’!”
Fry cook Randy Melanby remained nervous as he watched Blubbard go to town on his Grade-D slab of makeshift rubber. “We were using the steaks as doorstops since nobody ever orders them,” he said. “Most people aren’t so eager to learn what our idea of ‘steak’ is.”
Blubbard as of his writing has survived his meal, but plans on continuing his reckless ways. “Next I’m gonna go to Long John Silver’s and order shrimp,” he announced as his stomach shuddered in fear.
HOLLYWOOD—Hard to Kill star Steven Seagal is primarily famous for four things: martial artistry, the insistence on having a pony tail, horrendous-yet-enjoyable action movies, and his permanent squinting condition. However, Some Guy Daily News has learned in an exclusive interview that Seagal is capable of not squinting when he feels like it. When asked why he prefers to squint, Seagal answers, “I’m just thinking about cake.”
Seagal admitted that he thinks about cake constantly, hence the constant squinting. “Why wouldn’t someone want to think about cake whenever they can?” he mused as he squinted off into the distance. “Is cake not delicious? Would you not go for a nice slice of cake right about now?”
This also attributes to Seagal’s substantial weight gain in recent years, eating cake at every opportunity, even in his custom-made tanning bed. “I see no reason to stop eating cake even when I’m tanning,” he explained.
This revelation puts a new spin on his film roles over the years. “That entire training montage after I wake up from my coma in Hard to Kill? Where I’m supposedly thinking about getting my vengeance against Senator Trent? Yeah, don’t care. Cake. Mmmmm, cake.”
Asked what kind of cake is his favorite, Seagal had a typically calm, zen answer. “I do not discriminate when it comes to cake. I welcome all kinds.”
TATOOINE—Recent reports suggest that the Walmart in Bloomington, MN along Interstate 494 is the closest to replicating the ambiance, chaos and sheer weirdness of the Mos Eisley Cantina from Star Wars, Some Guy Daily News has learned. Experts credit this comparison to the preponderance of languages, strange guttural sounds, and people of every conceivable size, shape and race (presuming they’re people) that occupy this particular store.
“Seriously, just walk in and stand in one place for 30 seconds,” said social scientist Herman Mays. “In that time, you’ll hear at least 5 different languages, feel your life threatened at least once and see so many bizarre looking people that you think you’re trapped in some kind of redneck Salvador Dali painting.”
Asked to cite some examples, Mays replied, “Just look anywhere. Check out that super-tall balding guy in the pedo-trenchcoat, his cart is filled with nothing but packing peanuts. Or that homeless looking black guy whose gray beard is as big as a small elephant. Hey speaking of elephants, there’s a 300+ pound woman wearing skin tight clothes and back cleavage.”
“And listen. Is that Swahili? Latin? Pig Latin? Greek? Maybe it’s all of them. Maybe it’s a completely made up language. Who the hell knows.”
“Also, there are no droids allowed in Walmart. That can’t be a coincidence.”
Requests have been filed as recently as today to have this particular Walmart blast the “Cantina Theme” played by the Cantina Band blasting through the intercom system at all hours of the day to complete the effect. “Better yet, hire those guys to play round-the-clock,” continued Mays. “I hear they’re available.”
MEMPHIS—Phil Kuhn, a 17-year-old high school junior, was caught texting a female friend during class this morning despite Kuhn’s vehement denial. All available evidence suggests that Kuhn was texting during class, seeing that he was staring straight down as an LCD screen backlight reflected back up on his face. Kuhn maintains that he was unable to take his eyes off his light-up genitals.
“If you had [genitals] that lit up, you’d stare at them all day too,” Kuhn said.
Strangely, Kuhn’s genitals only seem to light up when he’s in a boring class. Nobody has ever reported a sighting of his illuminated junk in any other situation. “My junk picks its spots,” Kuhn said. “It doesn’t just light up for anyone.”
Coincidentally, male and female genitals alike across the country have been developing the ability to emit a soft glow consistent with the LCD screen of a smartphone. Antonio Gonzalez has been coping with the condition ever since he got his job at Fremington Insurance. “And at the same time I’ve been able to hone my Tiger Woods Golf ‘12 skills where I’m setting the course record at St. Andrews.”
“Not that that has anything to do with my glowing penis.”
Kuhn and Gonzalez were both cleared of any kind of serious medical condition.
WASHINGTON—Yesterday, April 22nd, was Earth Day, a day designed for everyone to take a moment to appreciate the Earth’s natural environment and champion any environmental causes. However, leaders of the Earth Day Committee (EDC) believe that awareness could be more far-reaching if they conjured up a reason to associate Earth Day with drinking, akin to St. Patrick’s Day. In other words, the EDC wants Earth Day to be another flimsy excuse to drink all day.
“St. Patrick’s Day is a great example,” stated committee chairman Todd Gomez. “People feel obligated to get hammered to ‘pay homage to their Irish ancestors’ or something. Well, that’s not even true. Most people feel obligated to get hammered because it’s St. Patrick’s Day. It’s become a self-fulfilling prophecy. We’d like to do that with Earth Day.”
“So, we’re trying to reverse engineer some way to make people think liquor when they think of Earth Day.”
Complicating matters is the close proximity to Take Your Daughter To Work Day (the 26th) is already almost exclusively related to drinking heavily. Arbor Day (the 27th) also has its fervent followers. Gomez disagrees.
“I don’t see how having three drinking holidays in the span of 6 days complicates things,” he said. “Do a public referendum on that right now and you’d get a unanimous approval. Who’s turning down an excuse to drink?”
DENVER—22-year-old Clayton Dunfee announced this morning that he is celebrating today, April 20, by sitting on his couch and watching March of the Penguins at least seven straight times. Dunfee will be accompanied by a 72-oz Mountain Dew, three bags of Cheetos and an ounce of marijuana.
“One whole ounce and it’s allllll for me,” beamed Dunfee. “Well, me and the penguins. We can share.”
When asked what’s behind his penguin obsession, Dunfee replied, “You should ask [March of the Penguins narrator] Morgan Freeman. “How’s he know all this stuff? He’s the smartest dude ever.”
“Plus penguins are the shit, you see how they move? All like…” Dunfee then attempted to walk like a penguin before falling back onto his couch in a massive laughing/coughing fit that lasted several minutes.
Unfortunately for Dunfee, his plans went awry when he flipped to Animal Planet showing a special about snails, which ended up consuming most of his day. Dunfee then flipped on his PS3 to play LittleBigPlanet 2 and spend the entire time playing wondering if Sackboy, the game’s protagonist, could turn into a snail somehow.
In a related story, one of Portugal’s friends, Adam Bosio, completely misinterpreted the term “4:20” and got hammered this afternoon. He drank four shots each of Jägermeister, Jose Cuervo and Smirnoff Green Apple vodka before washing them down with a can of Natural Light. Bosio blacked out at approximately 6:45pm and has yet to be revived.
MINNEAPOLIS—29-year-old Edward Carter interrogated his dog Clyde upon coming home from work yesterday with a series of pointed questions. Clyde was reportedly too excited to answer all the questions at once and chose to express himself with his body language, violently shaking his tail and running around in circles.
Carter inquired upon arriving home…
- How ya doin’?
- How ya been?
- Have you been a good boy?
- Who’s a good boy?
- Whaddya been doin’?
- You’re just a dog you know that?
- You thinks yous peoples doncha?
- You know you’re a good boy too?
- Yeaaaaaaaaaahh??
Strangely, Carter insisted on asking these questions in a voice two octaves higher than his normal voice with each word enunciated as if he’s speaking to an infant child. “I try not to talk like that in front of other people but sometimes I can’t help it,” Carter admitted. “I feel like if I don’t talk like that, Clyde won’t understand me.”
“It’s true,” confirmed Clyde through a translator. “If he talks in his normal voice it’s just white noise. If he talks in that ridiculous cartoon voice, he’s talking to me. If he talks in a really low voice, it’s because I’ve been digging through the garbage can and gnawing on greek yogurt cups.”
In a related story, Louis The Dog still believes he heard someone say the word “walk” in the vicinity and is still investigating.
CHARLOTTE—A bored intern at the Carolinas Medical Center by the name of Troy Kearney revived a patient who had been in a coma for over 6 months yesterday night. Kearney was doing his usual array of professional wrestling maneuvers on incapacitated and prone patients in an attempt to alleviate his boredom when suddenly 48-year-old Sandra Walden slowly regained consciousness after being on the receiving end of a Kearney flying elbow smash from the windowsill.
“Sometimes I craft together an entire wrestling match,” said Kearney, who’s worked the graveyard shift at CMC for just over 2 years. “I was laying in an nWo-style beatdown on [Walden] when I did my Macho Man Randy Savage elbow drop from across the room.”
Doctors are studying why none of Kearney’s other devastating maneuvers have been able to revive patients. “So far they’re immune to submission holds like the figure-four leglock and the Sharpshooter,” explained Dr. Lance Eddelbach. “They seem to respond best to blunt-force trauma to the head, like the Hulk Hogan atomic legdrop, or the Diamond Cutter.”
Eddelbach plans on constructing a wrestling ring on the 5th floor on the hospital to explore these possibilities further. “We need to study the top rope superplex,” he stated. “If we could, we’d love to get a steel cage in here too, that may help things.”
SAN FRANCISCO—29-year-old Dan McGinty is gay, but it’s not something on which he bases his identity as a person. “I’m just some regular dude who happens to be gay,” he told Some Guy Daily News yesterday. It is this fact that has enraged conservatives across the country, as they believe McGinty should not be “disguising himself.”
“It should be against the law for people like [McGinty] to sneak around undercover like that,” complained self-described “wingnut” John Mattos. Asked to clarify, Mattos continued, “If he’s gay, he should talk with a really obvious lisp and sing Broadway musicals while dancing around in rainbow briefs, something like that. The fact that he isn’t frightens and offends me.”
Mattos was clearly shaken, serving as a microcosm of social-conservative thinking across the country. “At least do the whole limp-wristed thing every once in a while just to make sure everyone within a few feet of him knows he’s gay,” noted fellow conservative Chris Hampton. “As someone who defines himself first and foremost as a God-fearing social-conservative, I’d appreciate it if you’d not sneak up your gay on me.”
McGinty, who was in the middle of doing normal everyday stuff like eating breakfast and going to work, was apologetic albeit sarcastically. “Sorry I’m not going all Boy George on your ass. Find someone else to live your weird fantasies through.”
MINNEAPOLIS—Housemates Justin Tucker and Mark Paulaner met with 24-year-old Jared Doughner in an interview of sorts to see if he would be a good fit as a roommate. Doughner responded to an ad on craigslist.org that required first and foremost that he/she not make a lot of noise. Doughner felt he was a good match, with one exception.
“I’m quiet to the point that you won’t even know I’m living there,” he said. “Except when I’m jerking off.” Doughner paused before saying, “Did I just say that out loud?”
Much to Tucker and Paulaner’s chagrin, Doughner felt he’d reached the point of no return and felt comfortable enough to volunteer all sorts of information about himself. “Yeah I tend to not give a shit when I’m beatin’ it. It’s how I blow off steam after I hit the gym, you know, keep those endorphins going. I really make a lot of noise when I see someone go ass-to-mouth too.”
“I tend to keep the volume up on my porn too, so it’s not always me groaning. It could be Peter North or Nick East or Tom Byron or… [Ed note: Doughner went on to namedrop more than 10 other male porn stars.]”
Neither Tucker and Paulaner said a word as they led Doughner to the door in stunned horror. They both later agreed to pull their craigslist ad, never to speak of it or their encounter with Doughner ever again.
MINNEAPOLIS—34-year-old John Maggio lost his Internet connection this week due to not paying his Comcast bill for the past several months. Maggio is choosing to cope with this by leaving notecards with scribbled notes in random places regarding random stuff at any given time, Some Guy Daily News has learned. Recent notes were found under the windshield wiper of a parked car near Aamco Transmissions and in the self-check-out kiosk at Cub Foods.
“I got a card in my windshield,” said innocent bystander Jared Mora. “It was a series of bullet points. The first one said ‘FIRST!’ Then it talks about how I need new wipers.”
Cub Foods store manager Mary Newcombe says of their card, “It’s a bunch of HTML jargon. Someone wrote out an IMG SRC code thing to link to a ‘DarthVaderNooooooo.gif. Then it says ‘You’re out of Cape Cod Sea Salt and Vinegar potato chips.’”
The reasoning behind these notecards are directly related to Maggio’s Internet being down, saying he wouldn’t dare hand them to actual people, “Because then they’d know who I am and that defeats the purpose of doing this,” he said.
In a related story, Some Guy Daily News had a notecard slipped under its door this morning, claiming my taste in wine was “mediocre” and that there are “inherent impurities” in my wardrobe. SGDN does not dispute either of these claims.
